Saturday

NHS Drs Kate and Gerry McCann: A tale of two twitties

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1) The shutters were jemmied open. What's that, Mr. Policeman? They weren't? Oh yeah, I remember now - we left the door unlocked so our friends could check on our children more easily when it was their turn.

2) What's that? Our friend's mother says that all the members of the party were only checking on their own children? Oh yeah, I forgot. We left the door unlocked in case there was a fire, so that Madeleine could rescue her siblings and get them out of the building if necessary.

3) Oooh, it was definitely an abduction. There's no way that Madeleine could have got out of the room on her own. Obviously if there had been a fire, she'd have acquired temporary super-human strength in her panic and managed it, but that didn't happen.

4) The tapas bar? Oh that was only a stones throw from the apartment. We could see everything that went on. It was like having dinner in our back garden. Well, Robert Murat's back garden then. Anyway, we were checking on them regularly every 15 minutes.

5) What's that? The checking times don't match up with our friends'? Damn...oh no! Wait - I remember now! We were only checking on them every half an hour - but that's still well within the boundaries of responsible parenting. I mean, come on. Everyone does this on holiday with their children. Anyone who doesn't is an overprotective lunatic whose children should be taken away by Social Services for their own good. And Madeleine was definitely in there when Gerry checked at 9.05 p.m.

6) Well, actually Mr. Policeman, I'm not TOTALLY certain that Madeleine was in there at 9.05p.m. - I mean, I looked in the room and I saw the twins, and I noticed that a door was open that hadn't been opened before. But I just assumed Madeleine had gone into our room because she got fed up with the twins crying. I mean, I didn't bother actually going in the apartment to make sure she was OK or anything. Why would I? She's old enough to look after herself - for goodness' sake she was almost four. How will children ever learn independence if they have their parents checking up on them every five minutes?

7) Hmmm? What's that? It's a bit odd that the twins never woke up through all the commotion that was going on in the apartment? Did we ever sedate them? What a ludicrous suggestion. They're two years old - sleep through anything, they will. Apart from when they deliberately wake up and cry to annoy Madeleine, obviously.

8 ) Why didn't we use the resorts babysitting services when they were offered to us? Well, we didn't want to leave the poor children with a bunch of strangers all evening - what kind of cruel, heartless people do you think we are? What's that? You've heard we left them with those same strangers all day every day during our stay in Praia da Luz? Well, it was our holiday too. We had to have a break. And anyway, it's all right to leave your children with strangers in the daytime - we do that all the time at home. Leaving them with other people at night-time as well would be excessive - so we thought they'd be better off on their own.

9) How did we know immediately that Madeleine had been abducted and not somehow got out on her own? Well, we've already told you Madeleine could only have got out of that room if there had been a fire. And, anyway, Cuddle Cat had been put on a shelf out of her reach. Kate noticed that immediately - well, you would. Your daughter's gone missing, you're frantically searching the apartment for her - of course you'd immediately twig the location of her favourite toy and run screaming back to the table that she'd been taken. What's that? Kate told the press she couldn't remember when she first realised Cuddle Cat had been moved? Oh...er...well...she's still very upset. Distraught mother and all that. Doesn't know what she's saying.

10) Why did Kate leave the twins alone in the apartment again when she realised Madeleine had been taken? Oh she just panicked. The twins were fine - they were fast asleep. As usual. She didn't want to disturb them by calling me on my mobile. Anyway, we needed her to come running back to the table screaming, "They've taken Madeleine" so that there would be lots of witnesses who would be able to attest to our presence in the bar all evening. Just in case any corrupt policemen try to fit us up later in the investigation, obviously.

11) You've detected a death scent in our apartment? No-one else has ever died in that apartment? The body must have been there for at least two hours for the dogs to have detected that smell? You've found traces of blood in the apartment too? None of this is evidence that Madeleine is dead. It's all rubbish, I tell you. Madeleine is alive, and we need people to keep on giving us money...er...looking for her. All this talk of forensic evidence is hurtful and unhelpful - we will keep on insisting that Madeleine is alive until we are blue in the face...as was Madeleine the last time I saw her, actually...

12) Oh for Heaven's sake, what now? Not that flipping dog again! OK, so now it got excited when it sniffed our hire car. Thousands of people have probably rented that car - any of them could have had a dead person in the boot. And you've found Madeleine's hair and bodily fluids in it? That's impossible - Madeleine's alive, I tell you. There's absolutely no evidence that she is dead. Your friends must have planted that evidence, Mr. Policeman. You're a disgrace.

13) Now those blasted dogs have found the death scent on the car keys and Kate's clothes? (Must make a mental note to ask the fund directors if assassinating dogs is a reasonable use of fund money...) Well, it's obvious - Kate is a GP and she dealt with at least six decomposing corpses in the weeks before we left for Portugal. The scent obviously transferred onto her clothes and then onto her keys. And Cuddle Cat. Which, as a caring Catholic, she also took to work to comfort decomposing corpses. This is a witch hunt. We will stay in Portugal indefinitely to clear our names.

14) What's that? Kate bought the clothes in question AFTER Madeleine had disappeared? Oh...er...sh*t...let's go home to Leicestershire now...

15) It's ridiculous that we've got £800,000 sitting in a bank account and we're not allowed to use it to defend ourselves against these outrageous accusations, for which the Portuguese police have not got even the tiniest shred of evidence for. We are going to ask the company directors if we can use it. Oh p** - they said no. Oh, we never had any intention of asking for money from that fund - of course not! What a ridiculous suggestion - we were just going to set up a different fund altogether so that more gullible, poor people can pay for the privilege of helping us keep our lovely, six-bedroomed house instead of having to sell it to pay the best lawyers in the country.

16) We have invited Leicestershire Social Services round for a nice cup of tea and a bun. We did this because we are responsible, loving parents, and all responsible, loving parents invite Social Services round to check on their children after they've been on holiday. It's perfectly normal. Why would they come round for any other reason? It's not as if we've done anything wrong.

17) Oh no, here we go again with the forensic evidence. Excuse me while I stifle a yawn. Yes, yes, yes, we know about the death scent. Look, Kate got it wrong about those casual holiday clothes that she thought she'd worn to work. Actually, the scent must have come from that large bag of meat that we bought with the fund money and were saving for our 'Welcome Home' party, er, I mean Madeleine's welcome home party. Well, as you know, she didn't come home but Kate couldn't bear to part with the meat just in case. But, you know, it's hot in Portugal, the meat started to rot and was attracting flies and cadaver dogs and stuff. So Kate decided there was nothing for it, and heaved that huge sack of putrid flesh into the rental car and drove it ten yards down the road to the nearest bin. Of course the smell transferred to just about everything she touched! What do you expect?

18 ) And the bodily fluids in the boot of the car? Well, that would be the twins' dirty nappies. They have huge sentimental value for Kate. She's such a devoted and loving mother. That's why we had to have a six bedroomed house, you know? Needed somewhere to display all those precious mementos of childhood. Or the fluids could have come from Maddie's dirty pyjamas? Kate couldn't bear to wash them, so she stored them in with the spare tyre to keep them safe. Along with Maddie's sweaty sandals. That poor kid had a chronic B.O. problem. It was like sweat haemophilia. She just kept on perspiring and the stuff never dried, either. Weeks later, her clothes and shoes would still be dripping with the stuff. Weird.

19 ) DNA? Look, chum, we had thirty people in that car. Not all at the same time, obviously. But you know what? Every single one of those people has got DNA! Duh! So how the hell are you supposed to tell whether it's Madeleine's or anyone elses? Come off it, matey, next you'll be trying to claim that everyones DNA is unique. What do you take me for? There's a perfectly innocent explanation for everything that the police found in that car. Now if you'll just tell us exactly what they DID find, we'll be able to get our stories straight once and for all instead of groping around blindly in the dark trying to cover every conceivable eventuality.

20) You know what? I'd LOVE to take a lie detector test. Firstly because I know that the Portuguese police wouldn't be allowed to use the results as evidence in court anyway, so they won't do it. Secondly because we're not allowed to talk about the facts of the case to anyone else due to Portuguese secrecy laws, so nobody else will be allowed to ask us any pertinent and revealing questions anyway. And thirdly because our new PR bloke advised us that this was a good thing to say as it might have the effect of persuading a few gullible Jeremy-Kyle-watchers that we don't have anything to hide and are therefore completely innocent.

21) We felt like we were being watched that whole week that Madeleine went missing. It was really creepy, just a feeling that someone was watching our movements and planning to take one of the children. Hmmm? what's that? Why did we leave the children alone in an unlocked room every night then? Well, hey come on. We didn't even have to think about leaving them alone, it just felt so safe, you know?

22) I reckon the abductor was hiding in the apartment when I went to check on the children. You know I said I saw that a door was open when it hadn't been before? Well I reckon the abductor heard me coming in and didn't have a chance to close it again in case I saw him. So I went in and closed the door and came back out again. If only I'd gone through that door, I could have caught him! What's that? If I went into the apartment anyway to close the door, why didn't I just go into the next room and double-check to see if Madeleine was there? Ummm? oh that's right! I remember now. She WAS in her bed at 9.05 p.m.? silly me. I did see her after all. Anyway, I bet when that intruder heard me go, he realised that he only had a few minutes to escape, even though I'd only just checked the children and he'd been monitoring our movements and knew that no-one would be back for half an hour. So in his panic, he dashed back into the room I'd just vacated, grabbed Madeleine who didn't wake up or scream or anything, (despite not being sedated), jumped out of a smallish window, saw Jane Tanner and vanished. It's so simple. The police must be total idiots not to have figured this out - my mates and I sorted it all out ages ago.

23) I cannot believe Murat is no longer being investigated. He is lying about being there on the night. We cannot understand why it hasn't been followed up why Murat lied. We are being scapegoated. Our friend definitely saw him carrying Madeleine back towards his house, there's no doubt about it, now she's remembered he wasn't heading for the supermarket after all. If only Jane hadn't been so sensitive and sweet in not mentioning it to Kate at the time in case it worried her, you could have had him red-handed. And all that stuff you found in the car? I bet you got the labels mixed up and mistook his car for our one? Typical bloody incompetent foreign police. What's that? You've cleared him? Oh, er, yes, actually we're really happy about that. Cheers us up no end, that does, being the only official suspects in the case. Good on him. Jolly pleased. Ummm? No! this is bullsh*t.

Source: the 3 arguidos